Parenting can be a challenging journey filled with ups and downs. One of the most common concerns parents face is their child’s behavior. Whether it’s temper tantrums, defiance, or disruptions at home or school, children’s behavior is actually just the tip of the iceberg – the visible surface of a more complex story. In this article, we’ll delve into the concept that children’s behavior is merely the tip of the iceberg and discuss why it’s vital for parents to look beneath the surface to truly understand what’s going on.
Understanding the Tip of the Iceberg
Imagine an iceberg floating in the ocean. What we see above the water’s surface represents only a small fraction of the entire iceberg. Similarly, a child’s behavior is the visible part of a much larger story that lies beneath the surface. It’s easy for parents to focus solely on the outward manifestations of behavior without considering the underlying causes and emotions that drive them. This is why relying solely on behavioral approaches like reward systems and time-outs may not always yield effective results.
Why Behavior Is Just the Tip
Let’s explore why behavior is just the tip of the iceberg:
1. Physical Health:
Children’s behavior can be significantly influenced by their biological state, including factors such as hunger, pain, inadequate nutrition, illness (fever, stomachache), and sleep. When a child is hungry, doesn’t eat enough lunch, or forgets to eat snacks, it can lead to irritability and mood swings. Similarly, a lack of proper sleep can disrupt a child’s mood and behavior, making them more prone to outbursts or emotional reactions. If a child does not have mature interoception skills, it can be more difficult for them to identify when their bodies are uncomfortable but are manifesting as tantrums. As parents, it’s important to consider these biological factors as potential contributors to your child’s behavior and address them accordingly.
2. Incidents That Build Up Emotions:
Children, like adults, can experience a buildup of emotions over time due to various incidents in their lives. These incidents might include conflicts with classmates, a desire for attention but not receiving it, anxiety about public speaking, or being scolded by teachers. Therefore, sometimes it may not seem obvious why certain behaviors occur, but they can often be traced back to past events or emotional triggers. As parents, being aware of these underlying emotional pressures is crucial. By providing a safe space for your child to express and process their feelings, you can help them develop emotional resilience and healthier ways to cope with life’s challenges.
3. Developmental Stages:
Understanding the developmental stages in a child’s life is crucial when considering their behavior. If a child lacks age-appropriate social-emotional skills, it is essential that we meet them where they are at and use strategies accordingly to help them progress on the ladder towards more mature skills. Dr. Stanley Greenspan’s Functional Emotional Developmental Capacities (FEDCs) offer valuable insights into these stages, emphasizing the importance of meeting children where they are at and guiding them toward more mature social-emotional skills.
4. Environmental Factors:
A child’s surroundings, including school, peer interactions, and family dynamics, can significantly influence behavior. Changes or stressors in these environments can manifest as behavior changes. For instance, if an environment doesn’t meet a child’s needs, such as lacking movement time or having excessive noise and bright lights, tantrums or disruptive behavior can become more likely.
Young children may not possess the verbal skills to express their feelings and needs adequately. Instead, they use behavior as a means of communication. For instance, a tantrum might signal frustration or exhaustion. If your child experiences communication challenges such as speech delay, seeking a professional evaluation of their communication skills is advisable.
6. Parenting Styles:
Your parenting style can significantly influence your child’s behavior. Children may react differently to various approaches, such as authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative parenting. Your interactions with your child can shape their behavior. For instance, over-communication may lead to confusion, while doing everything for them can foster dependency, resulting in tantrums when expectations aren’t met.
By recognizing these additional factors, parents can gain a more comprehensive understanding of their child’s behavior and respond with greater empathy and support, addressing not only the visible behavior but also the underlying causes related to their physical well-being, sleep, and emotional experiences.
Going Beneath the Surface
Now that we’ve established that behavior is just the tip of the iceberg, let’s explore how parents can delve deeper to better understand their children:
1. Self-Care: Prioritizing Your Well-being
When it comes to supporting others, it’s essential to start by caring for ourselves. Taking a moment to find your own calm, to breathe deeply and center yourself, before addressing your child’s behavior or intervening, can make a significant difference. Children are sensitive to the emotional vibes around them, and your state of mind can influence theirs. When you’re calm, you’re better equipped to co-regulate with your child and approach challenges with a clear mind, fostering a more effective and harmonious interaction.
2. Empathy: Stepping into Your Child’s Shoes
Practice empathy by attempting to view the situation from your child’s perspective. Empathize with their feelings and experiences, and don’t hesitate to ask them about the reasons behind their behavior. Often, you might be surprised by the underlying reasons behind their actions.
3. Seek Professional Guidance: Specialized Support for Social-Emotional Skills
If you’re finding it challenging to comprehend or address your child’s behavior, it’s worth considering professional assistance from a therapist who specializes in social-emotional skills. They possess the expertise to identify any underlying issues and offer tailored strategies for improvement. Don’t hesitate to reach out for this specialized support when needed.